Puberty, Skinny Fat and the Journey to Eating for Performance
I was 14 when I first became conscious of my weight. It was 1995. Mum bought me a pair of Levi 501 – second hand, you could buy them pre worn from Grace Bros back in the day. They were ladies size 11.
Puberty saw a massive growth spurt. I remember having boobs overnight – I was instantly wearing a 12B size bra and I was embarrassed by them. I spent much of that time wearing a long sleeve loose stussy shirt with a long flowing skirt (that my mother wore leaving for her honeymoon) or a flannelette long sleeve shirt and a pair of second hand corduroy blue pants, whatever I wore paired with eight hole cherry red doctor martin boots.
I was, I am short, 5ft 2 and a smidge and felt frumpy. I was 54kg.
For context 1995 was the height of Kate Moss and waif thin heroin chic. That’s what on the runway, in the magazines, in Hollywood. Kate Moss was 47kg and taller than me and I was 54kg.
If Kate Moss could be 47kg why couldn’t I be? And so that was my mission.
My weight through the years fluctuated between 48-51kg and I never gave it much thought. I didn’t exercise but I was also in my twenties, a stable skinny fat petite and you can really eat and drink whatever you want without much consequence at that age.
2014 I experienced a separation and divorce and enjoyed a high stress 5 months, lost all appetite and ability to sleep and got down to 43kg. I wasn’t skinny. I was sick. Interesting things happen when you are that small that people don’t always talk about. Your skin is terrible, your hair falls out, your nails are awful, and you are always tired.
But I was proud. That sounds ridiculously mentally ill, doesn’t it? 43kg literally skin and bone, fitting none of my clothes and I was quietly thrilled at the thigh gap I had. My hip bones stuck out, you could see my ribs, front and back, my collar bones were very visible, and my only thought was “look how thin I am.”
Fast forward 18 months after I had got my head around my new situation and had put my weight back on in the form of cheeseburgers and beer I started to exercise and without fuelling adequately started to lose weight again.
And this is where the narrative started to change but learning to fuel around a workout and learning to gain weight without the knee-jerk negative response is challenging. To feel good, perform, sleep better, recover better, repair, you need to fuel. There is no way around this.
Once I started to fuel myself adequately, I started to gain muscle and my weight increased. My automatic response when I stepped on the scales to see a gain was negative. Was I stronger? Yes. Did I feel frumpy? No. But the scales are not subjective like that and in my brain heavier just equalled fatter.
I love seeing jacked women, the Tia-Clair Toomeys of this world and I understand they don’t weigh the same as Kate Moss but I am creeping up to the heaviest I’ve ever been and its scary. It remains this mental hurdle and I don’t think I am alone in this.
How do we fix this? I don’t have the answer, but I can only create an environment of positive reinforcement, encourage other women, compliment other women in my own backyard.
So, to all the women reading this know you are so strong, you are so fit, and you are making progress and we are going to change this mindset together.
